Sunday, June 26, 2005

Life

I have not posted here for a while. Partly it was because I am coming terms with Israel, partly because I have been so busy with work.

I needed this blog when I came to Israel as this place was so strangle and hard to live in, but now I am feeling like it is sorta home. I am heading back to Portland at the end of the week for a couple, maybe three months and I am scared that these are going to be the hardest 2-3 months of my life.

I know that I have lots of time to get work done and there are things I need to do in Portland, but I am scared about leaving Iris who frankly is the stabilizer of my life. I am also scared about the next stages of work that I have to do. I frankly am not the best at making bets that are quite large, as I tend to want to hedge.

The fact is I am growing to love Israel, I am not sure I am ready to leave Portland for ever, but I am growing to understand what I can love and hate about this place.

The fact is life is hard here, but for some people they love it. I find it easier to hide here then I do in Portland, and the guilt that I get from not fully engaging bites, but it some time rolls off like a rusty sword.

The fact is I live for guilt, and guilt is what drives me. I want to get things done, but guilt can carry me for weeks.

I want to bury myself in my work, but some days the guilt is so strong that I can not do it.

It is hard some days, but other days living here is wonderful.

Benjamin

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